One Too Many Mornings - a new comedy.

In our movie I play a character named Fischer, who lives in a church.  In real life I play Stephen, who also lives in a church.  If only that was all that art imitated in my life.

In our movie, the character of the church janitor, J.B., is really, really angry at my character. In real life, the janitor at the church I live in is also really, really mad at me.

Quick tangent: It’s important to know, the term “janitor” has actually got some seniority to it. For instance, in the church directory, underneath his picture, there’s a picture of me labeled “custodian.” In the picture I am holding up a portable heater. When they were taking my picture, they said “Do something a custodian would do.” So I picked up a nearby object – a portable heater – and smiled. It was either the portable heater, or a bag full of multicolored balls of yarn. And we all know custodians don’t knit! Am I right?!? I really wish I was kidding about all of this.  But I guess I now know the ranks.  Janitor is above custodian.  I am below him.

But the janitor in my church is really angry at me because I forgot to turn off a bathroom light two nights ago. I don’t know why, out of the 32 lights I have to turn off in the church in exchange for free rent, I always forget this one.

It’s important to mention, the janitor is apparently a huge fan of action movies. So the worst part about these arguments is that he calls me “Steven Seagal” (because my first name is Stephen?), and he calls himself “Van Damme” (I don’t know why). I think he picks these fights with me so he can hopefully live out one of his action films he watches one day.  Van Damme vs Seagal.  A fight to end all fights!

But it doesn’t stop there. In his dream, the pastor of the church, who he refers to as “Antonio Banderas” (because he plays a guitar like Antonio Banderas in Desperado?), would get involved. Then it would be 3 on 3.  Mano y Mano y Mano.   “The greatest action fight of all time,” according to him.   Need more convincing?  Every time I run into him in the hallway, Van Damme flexes his muscles, showing off his biceps.

I bring this up because I want to apologize in advance to anyone I may be talking to on the phone one day, if the line goes silent. Which is what happened today when Van Damme started yelling at me as I was talking to someone reeeeally important about the film. It was almost “the greatest action fight of all time,” but it didn’t happen. Next time Van Damme. Next Time.

Actually, if you think about it for a moment, that might be a pretty amazing fight.  I may forget to turn off that light again tonight.

Seagal out!

This entry was posted on Friday, December 11th, 2009 at 1:17 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.